Surrendering to Self-Doubt
“It’s keeping you victim in a world of abundance”
“Only things left in the dark have power over us.” — Joyce Meyer
This might not be an exact quote from Joyce but it’s the summary of a lesson she shared many years ago. Back when I labeled myself a Christian. Back when I listened to her teachings nearly every day. I never agreed with everything she said but I had and still have deep respect and admiration for her wisdom.
The last several weeks have been R O U G H, which was a grave disappointment after having experienced the two most “inflow” weeks of my life in March.
Things moved at the pace I had always dreamed of. I slept great. I was in a wonderful mood when awake. My relationship felt seamless. Life felt seamless. Work brought enormous joy. Abundance flowed to me from every area of my life. Everything was working beautifully.
And then the energy shifted. Redirected.
I woke up on a Monday morning in late March and knew it. Didn’t want to recognize it. Wasn’t keen to acknowledge it. But I couldn’t pretend it wasn’t there.
Everything broke. It stopped. And this huge, I mean H U G E wave of self-doubt hit me like a ton of bricks and spilled over into every area of my life.
Again. And again. And again. Never fully stopping. Only breaking when I slept yet my dreams replayed my insecurities in other ways.
I found myself suspicious of my partner’s calls to his female coworkers.
I obsessively checked my email for new client bookings.
I felt fear and panic any time I thought about advertising my workshop.
I could barely eat. And then I overate.
I caught myself feeling abandoned because my father was too busy to give me his attention.
I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror.
I berated my body for the Covid pounds.
I questioned my intuitive abilities.
I tried and failed at writing so many articles for Medium that I now have a huge list of empty, unpublished stories.
I couldn’t bring myself to find or share exciting tidbits on social media.
I slept in every single day and then beat myself up for it.
Communication broke down between friends, family, and almost anyone I spoke to.
Things flat out just weren’t working.
And I couldn’t, couldn’t shake this feeling of dread. Like I was in trouble. Like I had done something that wasn’t honest. Like I was a fake…
It’s not easy to share these things — my insecurities. I’d prefer to keep them hidden away, Macchaveli-style, and put on a brave face.
But I can’t do that now that I am starting to see the light.
I must share this self-doubt so that I can fully rid myself of it.
And to show you that I too wrestle with all the self-doubt in the world. I am not perfect. I do not have it all together.
Nor will I ever.
I know there are major lessons for me here. I know that it won’t last. But damnnn this period has been tough.
I’m always beyond thankful for the Akashic Records. But especially in these times. I grew up leaning on God and prayer when times were tough. However, having somewhere to go and interact, having a place to show up, show my total ugliness and yell and scream and still be loved — is everything. It’s real love. And it gives me direction.
Rejection is one of the biggest themes in this lifetime that I’m meant to heal, and according to the Records, this period is part of that healing. I’m learning the importance of confidence. I’m learning how my ego can serve me (after being told to dump it for so long). And I’m seeing clearly how much my self-doubt has held me back.
But they also said that the major lesson isn’t over and I’ve got more work to do.
So here I am…five weeks in and I’m finally surrending. Throwing my hands up. Allowing the pain, discomfort. Saying “okay”. Agreeing to ride it out. Realizing that I can either accept what is or suffer trying to have something different.
And isn’t that what life is all about? Learning to accept things for what they are or spending time suffering because they aren’t something else?
It’s been unbelievably painful for me to share with my partner that I’ve felt suspicious and jealous — who the hell wants to feel that? Much less admit it? But it’s true. AND it doesn’t make me a bad person. A weak person.
It makes me human.
Yes, I gained some Covid pounds and don’t feel as attractive. But I’m still the same me. Still have the same (if not better since I’ve grown) heart as before. And literally no one notices. People still tell me I’m beautiful left and right. But it’s me who doesn’t believe it.
It’s me who chooses to suffer. Chooses to feel less than. To believe the lies that I am any less for having the thoughts I’ve had or felt the things I’ve felt.
The Akashic Records told us in the April Forecast that ALL emotions are valid. That there is a place for ALL of them…But I didn’t want to make space for them. Didn’t want to acknowledge their existence.
However, I can’t escape myself. So here I stand.
As we’re moving through the Taurus/Scorpio nodes, we’re being invited into deep healing. Into meeting our fears. Dealing with our emotions. And it won’t be over for another year or so…
I am waving my white flag. I am letting go. I am saying “yes” to what is and trusting that it will work itself out because this is what the Akashic Records said about my self-doubt,
“It is holding you back from what you could be stepping into.
It is keeping you a victim, in a world that offers you abundance.
It is preventing you from moving forward.”
Here in this space, on this platform — I surrender.
Universe, I thank you for all that you’ve given me and all that comes my way. Assist me on this path, help me to let go, help me to trust. I give this to you. I don’t know what to do with it. So I’m offering it up, I’m letting it go. I’m accepting what is and I’m thankful for it all. Here, it’s yours now. Thank you for taking care of it.
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