Sometimes a Breakdown is Exactly What We Need
It all started in May…
My Guides gifted me a course download on my vacation. I came home to launch it. And a week before it went live, my assistant quit due to family issues.
I thought “Okay, I got this”, and dove right in — managing my business, creating content for social channels, my podcast, my new course. Hosting workshops. Working with clients.
I’m lit UP by my work, my beautiful clients, the incredible course that was birthed through me. And on and on.
So. Many. Blessings.
Yet my sleep began to suffer. And then, I nearly stop sleeping altogether — only getting a few hours here and there.
But I still said, I got it this. It’s my third business, I know what it takes the first few years. And I love what I do.
So I add new things to my plate — an extra podcast episode each week, weekly YouTube videos, monthly toolkits.
ALL things I’ve wanted to do for so long…
I was so charged up with adrenaline that adding more felt empowering.
“Want something done? Give it to a busy person” (or something) — kept playing in my head.
I got this, I can handle it.
Meanwhile, my partner and I decide to take our remote lives on the road. We choose our first location, find a place, exchange money, and sign a new lease. We tell our landlord.
End of September, here we come!
My work within the Akashic Records begins changing. My Guides start leading me through healing processes in nearly every session. Miraculous things happen. Big shifts take place. I ask what’s happening and am told this is the next evolution of my work.
I hire another assistant, spend a whole month training her, working with her, and then she quits. Says it’s not a good fit for her. I have nothing to show for the money paid out beside a few graphics I’ll never use.
It’s okay, I’ll simplify and keep moving forward. I GOT this.
But I’m still barely sleeping. Some days my brain feels swollen and painful. Others, it’s totally fine. I work with healers. I adjust my diet. I work out more. I take supplements and do the sleep dance. Nothing changes.
My podcast numbers grow and increase the way I’ve wanted since 2020. I finally feel proud when logging into my account to check out the downloads every week.
Then my partner pops up to say he doesn’t feel important to me. My world stops. At first, I’m angry because it feels like I’m trying SO hard, building this business FOR US, our future, for what we’re building together. And then I realize, I’m repeating my mother’s path — physically present, yet elsewhere.
We make amends. I hear him out. He helps me to see clearly what makes him feel seen, special, heard. Okay, I say, I can do this. He’s definitely a priority.
It’s alright, Ahna, you’ve got this. Just a little while longer.
But I never asked, “how much longer?”
I keep going. And going. Giving out to everyone else but me. Without much rest — only getting some rest on the weekends. Depressed about Monday. Fully dragging by Friday.
This is me loving my life..?
And then, LION’S GATE 8/8 — at the eleventh hour, my partner’s workplace forbids him to go traveling the way we’d planned. Discussed for years. Even though his boss has known since May.
EVERYTHING comes crashing down. My idea of what was possible. The vision for my relationship. Life on the road.
I cry for nearly three days straight, one of which I can’t (and don’t) leave my bed. I rage. I rant. This is a plan we’ve talked about for YEARS. It was WHY he transitioned to a remote position.
I sob. And sleep. And sobbbbbb.
It was EXACTLY the wake-up call I needed. The breakdown.
The powerful benefits of a breakdown or a seriously good crying session is that it brings everything into perspective. It releases the emotions. It loosens the reigns of control.
And we can always see more clearly on the other side.
Historically, the Lion’s Gate portal has always been a time of “cut-throat kicking something to the curb” in my life. But I never expected this.
It took me several days to begin recovering from the rage. But of course, I realized it wasn’t rage. It was grief. It was pain. It was heartache.
It wasn’t the circumstances. It wasn’t the broken plans. It was me.
I had once again allowed myself to go too far. To get lost in what I do instead of living life. Taking care of myself.
Yes, my business was rocking out, but my personal life was a mess. I was barely sleeping. Wasn’t interested in food. My relationship wasn’t healthy. My house wasn’t getting the love I usually give it.
Everything but my work was suffering.
Yes, I’m a spiritual guide. Yes, I lead others into right relationship with themselves all the time.
BUT I am still human. Still flawed. Still on my own healing journey.
In the days following, I realized that this human grew up among entrepreneurs whose entire lives were work. There’s not a single person in my immediate family who isn’t a workaholic.
And I’ve been one my entire life, especially when I latch onto something I enjoy. I go harrrrd. I go deep. I give it MY ALL. And quite frankly, I actually really enjoy it — until I’ve hit the wall.
But that unbridled intensity has never served me.
The first decision I made was to put my podcast on hold, outside of my monthly Akashic Forecasts, until we move. It takes up the most time on my schedule. And after recording the episode about my hiatus, I broke down, crying and sobbing. At first, I was confused because I wasn’t sad. But then I realized it was release, relief.
My body was celebrating/grieving the fact I was finally making it a priority.
Even though it scared the crap out of me. Even though it was the opposite of what I wanted to do.
The decision held me over for a few days until the calm made me realize that I was in the heaviest period of burnout I’d ever experienced. And that says a lot for me.
The first time I experienced burnout was one morning in 2012 after I had launched my first business, a marketing agency. I was standing in the shower, after my run, and realized I could barely look at the wall — my eyes were fuzzy, my head felt heavy and pulsated. When I tuned in and asked myself what was wrong, a voice whispered, Ahna, it’s been over three weeks and you haven’t taken a day off yet.
I had been working from sun up to sun down to start something new…It took me three days to fully recover.
I’m a bullet train. I’m on hyper-speed the majority of the time. I pick at and destroy my cuticles because there’s always too much energy in my body.
BUT one of my life lessons is BALANCE. To learn how to walk that tightrope of alignment. To not give from an empty cup.
To honor my body.
Back in early 2021, my Guides told me that I wouldn’t be building this business like I had before — from my masculine. You know, “the go, go, push, make things happen” place. I would be building it in partnership with them, from my feminine, and learning how to create space instead of filling it up.
In many ways, I had been doing this…but my natural impulses had taken over and I had been going so fast that I didn’t notice.
I share this because I know many of us are experiencing burnout right now. We’ve been through a pandemic only to come out the other side with failing economies, war, environmental devastation, and much more.
Many of us, especially those who feel called to serve, are feeling extra activated in these times. We want to do MORE. Give MORE. Go FURTHER.
But we can’t forget in the midst of it that we’re still human. We came here for the human experience. And we must, MUST take care of ourselves. I had been seeing this with so many of my clients, I should’ve known that I too was being alerted.
Also, I share this because there’s this idea that doing what you love doesn’t lead to burnout, that it’s only for folks in unhappy jobs. And myyyy goodness wouldn’t happen to anyone in the spiritual community. Bullsh&t.
Burnout happens when we don’t pay attention to what’s happening inside of us and around us. When we don’t take the time to fully check-in.
Since my world came crashing down I’ve been sitting back and fully taking in the mess I made — without judgment — to begin determining how to do it differently. And I’m beginning to put those plans into action.
Gotta say, while this period hasn’t been my favorite, I’m so thankful for it. For the reminder to honor my body. The lesson to be wiser in how I spend my energy. The readjustment in how I work.
Thanks to a breakdown.